Dread.

 The definition of dread, according to Mr. Know-it-all Google:

      Verb - Anticipate with great apprehension or fear.

 

 

Oh, it's not something that I've thought about every waking moment, or even all that frequently - but when it would pop into my head, dread would be the perfect word choice. 

 

The question I've dreaded for 8 years has finally been asked.

 

We were driving home from somewhere last weekend, and for whatever reason, we were in two cars - little man rode with his Dad, while I drove alone.   As we gathered our things from the cars to go in the house, Greg pulled me to the side and told me that Ben had asked who his Birthparents were.  My first thoughts were:  Ooh, thank goodness he asked his Daddy and not me!  And, oh dear Lord, what brought this on??  Why now?  What do we say??

We huddled in the garage for a minute, deciding finally that:  if he asked, he's ready to know.

(nobody asked me if I was ready!)

 

We've had the adoption conversation before - he knows he's adopted, we use the word adoption freely - but he's never asked about Birthparents.  My baby is somewhat naive about the whole birds and the bees thing; he hasn't been around many pregnant women, so the whole idea of where babies come from is waaaaay off his radar.  Thank goodness.  So, for him to ask - out of the blue - about Birthparents?  (we found out that he'd watched an episode of Wizards of Waverly Place featuring an adopted character, who referred to their Birthparents....go figure.) 

 

So, we put all our things away and called a Family Meeting.  Ben hopped into my lap, happy-go-lucky, while I felt my stomach start to digest itself.  My sweet husband took the reins and brought the subject up again. {Because of privacy, I'm not going to go into specifics  - the folks that read this blog (most of you, anyway) know us and our family story personally, so specifics aren't necessary.}  

 

After a few minutes, with all his questions answered, the subject was closed and he was satisfied.  That, which I'd dreaded for so long, was much easier than I could have dreamed. 

I know this won't be the end of the questioning, but I think the groundwork has been laid nicely. 

Now, I'll have to find something else to dread.....
 

 

 

Sweet dreams, little man

At some point last night as I sat on the couch, mindlessly watching Cupcake Wars on tv, I had a visitor make his way into my lap.  He didn't say a word, just walked over and crawled up and sat down.  I covered his legs up with the ever-present fleece blanket, but didn't say a word.  For once, he was being quiet and still, so I just sat there with my 50 lb baby in my lap and breathed him in. 

A little while later,  I whispered a "thank you for coming to sit with me" in his ear, to which I received a whispered, "you're welcome". 

A little while later than that, I noticed my visitors breathing had started to change.   I peeked around the head resting on my chest to see his eyelashes make one last effort to stay open and then close softly;  revealing the peaceful face of an angel. 

I could have gotten up at that point to carry him to bed, but I didn't.  These sweet moments are not as common any more.  No, I savored every minute of it.  My visitor stayed, sleeping peacefully on my lap.  My sweet baby boy, sweet dreams. 

This one, I can't explain......

Some conversations are deeper than others, some not so memorable and some may be completely silly. You really never know what you're going to get when you talk to a 5 year old boy. Yesterday afternoon, the conversation the sweetest hubby and son had made my jaw drop to the floor. A little background first.



I'd left early for children's choir, leaving the two of them here to come over later. Before I left, I helped Ben get his clothes back on for church as he was in his usual state of dress: underwear and a smile. As I was heading to his room, I heard the sweet sound of a toy that, now that I think about it, I have no idea how to describe. It's one of those little plush, pull-type toys - this one happens to be a yellow kitty - with a hanger for the doorknob that plays a little lullaby when you pull it's tail... am I making any sense? Why can't I figure out what to call the blasted thing?? Anyway....we've had that little toy since Ben was a baby and I haven't seen it in probably a year or more - since we moved, I guess. So, when I walked into his room and heard the tinkling sound of a lullaby, I wondered what was up. Ben was standing in his room, hugging and cuddling the kitty, saying he wanted to take it to church with him. I told him no, he couldn't take it to church, but he could take it in the car with him if he wanted to. That seemed to appease him, so I helped him get dressed and went with him down the stairs, where I said my byes and left.

The rest of the story is recounted from what Greg told me. Ben was still hugging and cuddling the kitty as he sat on the couch to watch tv. At some point, he wound up sitting next to his daddy. Greg hugged him and asked him the age old question, "do you know how much I love you?" To which Ben answered, "more than God". His daddy explained to him that "No, God loves you even more than I or Mommy does".

Well, then Ben started telling his daddy a story. He said that when he was a baby, in heaven, that he was in a room with a bunch of other babies, and that God was there. He said that all the babies were soon gone - leaving him alone with God. He said that God stayed with him, played with him, and talked to him. But, then on a Thursday - God told him that in 3 days he'd come home to us.

Later, after we'd returned home from church, we three were standing in the kitchen. Greg asked Ben to tell me what they'd talked about earlier. Ben then proceeded to tell everything he'd told his daddy. I asked him what does God look like? He told me, " he has a beard, and white hair. And he wears a blue dress. And he's barefooted".

The description of God - I don't know if it's correct or not - have to wait and see.

The day of the week was wrong. But sometimes even now, he gets his days mixed up - so how much more so might he have gotten it wrong when he was still just a wish and a prayer in our hearts - but so well known by God!

The 3 days? Exactly spot on.

3 days was when he came into our home, our family, our hearts. 3 days old.

Thank you God for watching over him until you sent him home to be with us. And thank you God for watching over him now.

Ben's story

Once Upon a Time, in a not-so faraway kingdom and not-so long ago time, a man and a woman lived and wished and hoped and prayed for a baby they could love all for their very own, forever and ever....they wanted more than anything to be called Mommy and Daddy.
Many years came and went; but their wishes, their hopes and their prayers didn’t come to pass; for you see, this man and this woman weren’t able to have a baby on their own. But God knew the wishes and hopes and (most importantly) He heard all the way from Heaven - the prayers from this man and this woman.
Then, He made a miracle happen!

Somewhere in time, God made a secret plan! He decided that this man and this woman would be the perfect Mommy and Daddy for a very, very special little blue-eyed baby boy. But, in order for His wonderful and miraculous plan to be fulfilled, God had to bring together two young people, each from very different and very far-away parts of the world; to a big, big city with lots and lots of bright lights, and millions and millions of people. It took God only one night, but in that one night, a very, very special blue-eyed baby boy was created.

Time passed for the man and the woman: still wishing and hoping and praying for a baby; when one evening their phone rang. The woman answered the phone and a Nice Lady on the phone (one of God’s special angels on earth) told the man and woman about the birth of a very, very special blue-eyed baby boy, and that the young couple, led by God, had chosen the man and the woman to be the special baby’s parents forever and ever and always! The man and the woman were so excited that their wishes and hopes and prayers had finally been answered!! They had been waiting for this call for what seemed to them like forever!!
The man and the woman immediately went out far and wide in the kingdom to get all the things their new baby son might need: little bitty bottles and formula to fill them; a stroller for exploring; a bouncy chair for when he wanted to sit up and, well, bounce; a car seat to ride safely throughout the kingdom; and the littlest and sweetest clothes and diapers you’ve ever seen...so many more things they’d need as time went by, and all of it to welcome this beautiful baby boy home. Their whole world would change, and soon, so would their names; for you see, now and for always, they would be known as Mommy and Daddy; and their very, very special blue-eyed baby boy would be given the name Ben.
Then, just a few days later, this very, very special, beautiful blue-eyed baby boy; who we now know and love so much, came home to live forever and ever and always with his Mommy and Daddy! Everyone in the kingdom rejoiced! Ben came home to a house so full of love and thankfulness to God for His secret, wonderful plan.

The kingdom of Mommy and Daddy and Ben is full of hugs and kisses and love and laughter, all because of the wonderful and secret, miraculous plan God had for a beautiful, blue-eyed baby boy....named Ben.

welcome to the fairytale

Wishes, hopes and dreams do come true......
That was/is the title of a story/book that I wrote for my little man to try to explain his 'story' to him somehow/sometime. I'd looked all over the internet to try to find the best possible way for us to explain adoption to the sweetest boy in the whole, wide world; but never could find the perfect way. I started this process when my sweetest boy was just a baby - he's 4 now. So, I decided a fairy tale would be (somewhat) appropriate because that's what I feel like I'm living. Call me corny and a sap, I don't care. This is my life and this is my (new) blog and if you don't like it, or believe it....go somewhere else. My, my. Tough ol' gal, ain't I?
So, here goes. I'm inviting you into my family, warts and all. Meet the sweetest hubby in the world - my number one guy; and the sweetest boy in the world - my number two guy. And me, I'm just T.