9/11

Earlier tonight just before little man's bedtime, as we were watching the beginning moments of a show remembering 9/11, the footage showed one of the poor souls who fell or leapt from one of the towers.  I quickly put my hand over Ben's eyes and ushered him out of the living room to his bedroom - all the while listening to: "What was it, Mom?", "What was that falling?"
I told him that there are some bad things in life that I feel like I have to protect him from, and at this point, I didn't think it was something he should see.  He's 7, I'm....um, not....and I have a hard time watching it and wrapping my brain around the horror - how is his little mind going to process something so terrible?  

My baby is still my baby - at least for another day.

celebration and sadness

Little man's kindergarten class had a birthday party a week or so ago for Karla. On their way home from school, he told his Daddy all about the cake and how they celebrated her special day and that her father even came for the party. How tough was that walk, to come into the classroom for your deceased childs birthday party? God bless you, Mr. Campos.

And Happy Birthday, sweet angel in heaven.

Tragedy times two

Today is Love Thursday. This is love lost.

We heard last night that a little girl had been hit by a car yesterday afternoon getting off the school bus. We knew she was a kindergartener at Ben's school. We didn't know until this morning that she'd died from her injuries. We didn't know until this morning that she was one of Ben's classmates. Her name is Karla Campos, she was 5 years old. And she was an angel.
I'll miss you, sweet girl.

http://www.ajc.com/news/cobb/family-mourns-5-year-234840.html

Tears for a little girl lost

People, I am just beside myself. I am horrified beyond words. The world is full of evil, but this has touched me more than I can stand.

I try not to watch too much of the news just to protect myself from the 'misery porn' that permeates each and every newscast. Somehow, though, I got wind of the case of the little 5-year old girl reported missing last week. It seems that every week there is another case of a missing child! This case caught my attention because the little girl is the same age as my little man. I think of him - how innocent and trusting - he's only 5! This little girl - she's only 5!!

Check that - she was only 5 - they found her body today. Her little life was cut short by pure evil. This angel sent by God never had a chance to live. She never had a chance.

Her so-called mother - I can't even put into words. I cannot understand how someone who brought a child into the world could do something like what this woman is accused of doing. It's unfathomable to me.
The pictures released from the surveillance camera at the hotel showing a man holding her at the elevator just ripped my heart out. I wish I could erase the picture from my mind, but I can't. All I see is the trusting look on her face. She's holding a stuffed animal, for goodness sakes. Her little hand is on his shoulder! Oh, Dear Lord. What must she have faced? Who was there to comfort her? Her little mind couldn't have understood what was going on. Please Lord, let her not have known. Pure evil. Just pure evil. I just can't take it. It makes me ill.

Rest in peace little one. May you now rest in the arms of your Comforter, and Protector. May you now know true Love.

No one will ever, ever hurt you again, baby girl.

Nursing

Got this question/comment from my sweet, soon to be 17 year old, 'neice'. She had read the blog I posted about Life, Love and Loss. Following is what I responded to her......
I think she'll be a great nurse.

aunt teri, how u doin? dont get to talk to u that much, but i thought ud like to know im gonna be a r.n. too. um, when u do lose a patient how does it affect u? i mean that's the major thing im worried about. suprisingly, i have a heart and im afraid it would just shatter if i lost someone. how do u deal with it?



Hey, sweetie. I didn't know that! Congrats on deciding! I've been a nurse now for um, almost 20 years and I can remember every single patient that I've had that has died. Believe it or not, it hasn't been that many, but they all were memorable.I have no question that you have a heart. I think you're awesome and your heart is too.

You'll find yourself after a while noticing that you have a bit of a shell formed. Not too hard a shell, but a shell all the same. It makes it easier to keep the enormity of what you experience from day to day from effecting you so much. The shell is sometimes disguised as humor - some awful things can be tough to bear and your humor will get you through. Medical folks have a wicked sense of humor - along with the ability to sit at the lunch table together, telling absolutely disgusting stories while eating a bologna sammich! :p

I've worked on several codes over the years and while I'm involved, I'm thinking about what the person means to the folks he/she is close to. Is she a grandma? Is someone waiting at home for him to get out of the hospital? Does he fish? Like to cook? Whats so tough is to see the work going on around the patient and then seeing the patient - where just a heartbeat before, they may have been talking, or whatever, and the next minute they're being worked on to literally save their life. Whatever that life may have been, good or bad, it's a life.

I also say a prayer. Every time.
I wonder if, like in the movies, the 'spirit' of the person is up above me, looking down. I absolutely know that at that time, the spirit of God may be in that room, and He's there to take that person home. Are there angels in the room? Ready to lead the way? I hope that's the case. I hope that the patient has had a saving relationship with the Father. What a beautiful thought that the person we're working on is now in the arms of our holy Father and we're just going through the motions, doing what we can until someone calls the code finished.

So, to sum it up. Yes, you'll be shattered. But you'll get through. And you'll remember every single person. You'll remember and you'll know that you did absolutely everything in your power but to no avail. And you'll pray. And maybe look up in the corner of the room and see the fleeting vision of heaven open up to welcome one of God's children home. And you'll remember.
I love you, kiddo.
Aunt Teri

living for something

This is something I wrote a little while back on my myspace profile, just thought I'd pass it on.

Had two interesting patients in the two days I've worked this week. Don't get to spend an awful lot of time with my patients anymore due to the fast-paced nature of our department, but sometimes it only takes a minute or two to learn an awful lot.

This morning, I met a wonderful 80-something LOL (little old lady). Cute as a button; sitting up in the bed waiting for her colonoscopy. After checking her armband to make sure we had all the info correct and make sure we had the right patient for the procedure; my partner today, Kim, noted to her that she - "has a birthday coming up!" She smiled like a child and said, "Yep! And I've been married 58 years!" We were both floored....imagine, in today's day and age 58 years! Wow. So, of course, we asked her The Secret. She said, "Well, I just let him get his toys from time to time and it just takes care of itself."
I said we kinda follow that same rule around my house; then I told her my sweet hubby had just bought himself a new amplifier for his guitar - even though he had an amplifier already. She laughed and said, "Well my hubby just bought himself a 1987 convertible Mercedes-Benz".
Guess the older you are and the longer you're married, the boy's toys are bigger. Great.
Her colonoscopy was fine, by the way.

Yesterday, we had a man exactly my age come in for a procedure. Same scenario as above. When I noticed he still had his wedding band on, I asked him if it would come off. (you'd be surprised how many people can't get their rings off!) He said, "I think it will, yes, but....", then immediately started to choke up a little. The man sitting at his bedside said, "Hang in there, buddy" as our patient gave him his wedding band. I had no idea.

So, as we're wheeling him back to the procedure room he says, "My wife died 3 weeks ago".
He said, "I'm sorry, it's just that the last time I was here, I was with her." I took a second to peek at his armband again and remembered.
We did the procedure on his wife. We diagnosed her cancer. She found out that day she had colon cancer and that it was bad; and she found out soon after that, that the cancer had metastasized to her liver, pancreas and there was no hope. No hope.

She lasted maybe a month from diagnosis to death. He was having this colonoscopy for his kids.
His colonoscopy was normal, too. Thank God.